Several days had passed after I got dumped. And then I made her angry for one last time and got blocked from her life. I can't see any common sense in never talking to one you dedicated 2 years of your life. It kinda makes me mad just thinking about it. In addition I have trouble pinpointing the reason behind the rage that's burning inside of my mind, every time the thought of kicking out anybody from ones life, crosses my mind. I don't know how to deal with it. Ignoring doesn't work. Thinking doesn't work. I don't even know what's the problem. It doesn't sit with me well at all. Not anyone thinking they can turn their back to their past, to another person and to the universe, and refuse to see what's in front of them. And not the reality I'm experiencing. My biggest fear - not to understand myself and the things around me. My greatest joy - sharing my thoughts and being accepted for them and everything else.
Thinking back I have gone through a metamorphosis from disorganized and not to be relied on to a chaotic form of disorganization and I've become a tad more responsible. This insight came to me while I was failing to execute my plans for the last time I hope. While I'm not good with the obvious and unwritten rules and rules in general. I've proven to myself I do well with taking the best parts from every situation and incorporate it in me and the way I treat/see the world around me. When I say parts it is usually a combination of things which if done in the right order bring something good and make life better for the one who does them. But I suspect if someone else succeeds in taking the idea and makes it a reality his or hers intelligence must be above average. Balancing between the inner and the outer world in a way that doesn't damage the other one is not an easy task and should not be ignored. Still I really can't figure what my next step toward inner piece should be. Reaching a consensus with my ex on something has proven impossible for me. She may be empathic and sensitive to other people but for two year she understood nothing of me and I barely scratched the surface in the sense of understanding her. I know I'm not your average guy, but still am I that alien to everything human or just some people?